A not-so-secret love

There are days I am afraid to proclaim it, but not today.

It's not a fear of doing what I do, but the fear of being damned by society for enjoying it.  A fear of being thrust into a victim's role--because "it's not her fault, she must have been hurt by someone long ago to drive her to this."

I'm not damaged anymore than anyone else. I'm not desperate. I am just different and I love that.

And yes, I love whoring around.

I love dressing up and having an excuse to buy make-up I only wear three times a week. I love taking the extra step to look feminine. It is not so much a costume as a prism, displaying beautiful colors found within ordinary light. 

I love reading introductions people write, the coming to know a stranger. I have met people whose names fill in on a google search, and others whom I know nothing about except their most intimate turn-ons and fantasies.

I love being someone's indulgence, someone's small luxury. There are so many reasons why someone comes to see me, and I love finding that out.  I love the sated look on a person's face knowing *I* put it there.

I have found there is healing in sex, even the most animal, dirty, kinky or the unceremonial rushed coupling. I have ever been drawn to the sacred roots of this oldest profession, and I love the challenge of bringing back that sacred nature. To dare others to view it differently. I love uncovering that healing in the taboo.

I love when I can tell I am truly appreciated in my role. When any initial fear, doubt or even guilt is allowed to melt away. When pleasure is given, taken, exchanged and then allowed to rest. I love when men do not pity me, when they recognize my enjoyment. I love when there is no attempt to haggle the donation because they understand the value of the service offered.

I love discovering how someone touches, kisses, fucks. I love the newness of each first time, the rediscovery of the second time. I love creating new ideas and games to make each visit different and unique. I truly love trying new things, and trying new people.

And despite the fear I sometimes have, I love that I enjoy it all so much. I love loving it.

Temple of the Red Lotus

It's time for another post about my pet subject: sacred harlotry. Recently, I came across this site: Temple of the Red Lotus.  A temple of sacred sex in FL that has workshops and offers priestess training as a Qadishtu (another term for sacred harlot, although more specific.)

I like a lot of what they say, but when I compare it to the world of RB, it's a little plain, and just a little on the stuffy side.  If someone is really interested in the topic, there's much to learn, but I'm not sure I could run the same business using that terminology.

One of the best parts about this is the *fun* and a bit of glitz with naughtiness sprinkles. There's a spiritual aspect in serving and giving pleasure, but with that is providing a fun and entertaining experience. It's about finding that little something and enjoying the moment. Of course, there's the business parts of it too, but I don't find the sex to be business-like at all. I don't ever want it to be business-like. And as long as it stays fresh for me, I'll keep going.

Supply & Demand

My readers have probably noticed my pricing change, the long running recession special (will it end before or after the recession?)

while a higher price meant fewer clients, it also felt harder--those few clients *had to follow through, and I was always worried if I was getting enough business.  This is so much better.  I finally realize it would be better to go with the recession than work against it. By lowering my rate, I'm able to get more calls, which is actually less work for me.

There was a worry that in changing my rate structure would mean less money, or that I'd have to work so much more that I'd start to burn out, but the opposite has been the case.  Is it strange that lowering my rate has increased my sense of worth? Maybe in a capitalist/profit-driven model, yes. But for me, it's never been about making a quick buck, but about surviving and thriving.

I'm glad I stopped worrying about the image my price would reflect and have continued the special. All of my new clients have been really nice, and I feel more in control of my own business now. In a strange way, I like being more financially accessible to people...just my whorish nature, I guess!

On Virginity

With the interest about my recent virgin experience, I wanted to write a little more about it. We treat male virgins so much differently than female virgins--for one group, it's a hurdle to jump over and for the other, this lack of experience is often treated as a gift.

Skeptically, I want to say guys like virgin or innocent girls because they have nothing to live up to. The women won't know what they are missing.  But I don't think sex is supposed to be about impressing anyone with dazzling tricks of pleasure (though that can be fun!) Sex is a primal paring of two people, and I think our bodies mostly go into auto pilot mode.

My friend referred me to this client, we'll call him C. He was my age, one of my younger clients. He's a guy that likes to know things, feels capable in an array of academic fields, but was lacking in experience with relationships and intimacy.  I didn't want to pry into all his reasons, preferring to accept things as they come and for what they are than all the motives behind it.  But I could pick up things.  I think mostly, he just felt it was time to give it a try, but didn't want to embarrass himself in front of a lady he'd been courting. He didn't want such a large unknown looping ahead. Also, the fear of being judged for his lack of skill or experience.

Spending extended time with him before and after our session helped put his mind at east, I feel.  It helped to build rapport and dispel his fears. I let him explore my body with innocent curiosity and eagerness--these two are the beginnings of skilled touches, and a natural gentleness came though. I think it was a gift for both of us--in that he was able to dispel his fears and gain confidence for future encounters, and I was able to gain a better sense of where I came from, and a joy in guiding innocence towards skill.

In and Out of the Whore Closet

It's been a really fabulous week overall, and I'm looking forward to this next one too.  It started with apple-picking in North Bay, picked up back in SF for a bit of work, and then it was back to my ocean-side home to play hostess to some friends.  My two visits were contrasted by work talk, for my cousin is fairly conservative (we once had a conversation about waiting until marriage to have sex--Opps!) and so I had to keep a tight cover on my new occupation.

The economy is just as bad up there, so much of the time was spend in discussion of looking for work, finding ways to cut back money. It made me realize that I've been doing okay for myself. Somehow, in our discussions of media-bias and pension reform (her current pet issue) I neglected to mention my devious own method of "trickle-down economies!"  It was a good weekend in the country that made me miss my foggy city.

With my own house guests, it was much different, for they knew what I did--more than that, they had brought me a client!  Now, that was a first for me. Even when spending extended time with a client, I am more aware of my image and mannerism. I focus on being a more polished version of my personality, and being a perfect hostess.

Let me tell you, it's hard to be polished when your guest roll into town super late  and you are setting beds up for them at 5 am in your PJs.

I think that for this client, a mutual acquaintance and virgin, it was good to spend the extra time as friends and with friends.  I really enjoyed taking charge and leading the way, enjoyed the innocent way he explored my body.  I hope that I was able to instill in him a greater sense of confidence and ability in our session. I wanted him to come away from it knowing he would and could meet other women with out his non-experience ever being an issue to fear.

But I will say I vastly prefer the experienced hand and charm of the older gentleman!

Finding Balance

After a period of wanting and waiting, I'm finally starting to find a good balance between work and my other interests. In doing so, work is much less "work-like." I'm enjoying myself so much more when I banish all worry from my space. Less questioning my own motives and goals behind it (I *do tend to over-analyze things) and more going with the flow.

I don't know if most providers are extroverts, that does seem to be the case, but I've always been an introvert.  However, one-on-one is where I start to blossom. I really enjoy focusing on another person and tending to their needs (part of that submissive behavior).

There was also blackberry picking, and the beginnings of a collage series.  Hiking through pockets of urban wilderness is one of the many reasons I love SF. So many blackberries grow all over lands end, berries in different stages of ripeness. I take only the ripest, purple-black berries that pull off so easily.  There are brambles too, but some masochistic tendency in me enjoys that too.  I like slipping in nimble fingers to pick those hidden in the underside of the bush, navigating the thorny stems.  Picking my fill is a bit of an endurance trial, but I gladly endure it. These hard-won berries make the best scones, the best pie.

I have been working on my art a bit more, collecting images, colors and textures for a series of collages about whoring and sacred whoring. I plan on posting some as I finish them.

But the bit of solitude gets me eager to go out once again. The ritual of putting on makeup and dressing up, making myself ready a client, it helps turn my mind into a different mode and builds my excitement for the main event.  In this mode, I'm better able to relax and help relax my client. In finding my center, I hope to be able to pass that on in my sessions too.

Secret Conversations

In a conversation with some family friends this weekend, she picked up an SF weekly and started looking at the escort ads pictured there.  A shame that they go so low and allow their bodies to be degraded like that, exc... the same old shame story. I was shocked into silence and wondered how I could defend these girls without attracting attention, without making waves or revealing my secret.

I stayed silent for many moments, judging the hostility of the room. Mostly, they just pitied these women because they assumed their lives were filled with abuse and debasement, that they were not in control.  It really is a shame, I confessed truthfully, because the occupation has honorable roots: the temple harlots and priestesses.  And it wasn't until patriarchal religions took over that the practice was looked down upon. In this culture, it is not seen honorably, and hardly practiced so either.

Oh, it was a wonderful reaction! Part puzzlement, part agreement.  I realized something in that moment too: that as an occupation, we've got some major PR to do if we'd ever want it legalized.  These weren't old conservatives, but modern feminist women.

In a semi-related note, I got a random e-mail from some sort of "fan."  This is his second or third note of random insults from a random source. It's a just a shame some people will seek out negative attention this way. And oh-so grade school to make fun of people. I guess some people are just mean-spirited in that way.

I'm not sure what compelled me to try and work during the weekend. I guess I have just been more business/money focused lately. Perhaps it's Pride. Or maybe the economy. But either way, it ended up being a pretty lonely weekend.

The economy worries me a lot. It's one of the reasons why I'm doing this. And of course, no job is safe from the slowing and the shrinking we are experiencing. I wonder where the bottom lies. I don't worry about surviving, but I do wonder what it will look like. I tend to think it will be worse than some think, but I hope that I'm wrong.

Sexuality: Whore

I wouldn't want to make the decision for everybody, but as for myself, I feel my sexuality has a lot to do with my whoring.  Anyone who might ever have the fantasy of domesticating me can dismiss it now. Although I do have a family life, it's not your typical family.

I just don't believe in the whole monogamy thing. One partner is satisfying to many, but there are so many others who find it hard to keep such a commitment. Some, like myself, enjoy variety. I'm polyamorous and dream of a big family and big beds. No kids.

Certainly, my polyamory informs my sexuality when it comes to my work, but I feel it's more than that. This is not about building my family, but building my business. Although I enjoy the repeat clients, most of the time, these are one night only relationships.

Traveling to my appointments, the inner whore really starts to awake. I enjoy a little conversation before to learn the nature of this person. I do learn for my safety, but I trust my gut to alert me. I am already planning my approach.  There is the challenge in the newness which I love, to coax the fantasy from his mind and present it to him. All wrapped up in feminine charm, I can sense his excitement, his need and this too turns me on.

I can't lie and say the money isn't a factor either.  I recall some early experimentation in my college days...trying to find a Dom in Iowa. I'm sure there are a few hiding somewhere, but most of them were just after a free blow. Oh, I can't blame them. But they didn't respect me in the way I sense respect from my clients. Perhaps it's because I have more respect for myself. 

There seems to be a lot of symbolism wrapped up in the money given, the patron gift. Part of it is a respect for a woman's independence, the efforts on her part. After all, we are talking about "the oldest profession," this act goes deep into our psyches. But that seems like a separate topic for another post.

Home is Where Your Bed is

Wow, I can't believe what a week this has been! The week has been filled with general debauchery and lace. In fact, between the incall Wednesday, the lucky outcall on Tuesday, two photo shoots, meeting other sister 'hos, planning specials and doubles--not to mention normal start of the month business--Today has been the first chance I could sit down in the morning with a cup of green tea and relax.

Hotel beds are comfy and plush, but I always wake up early and restless. My home bed is my recharger, providing me with more than just sleep. I am greeted by the sun each morning and at night, my handmade quilt cocoons me in warmth.
I don't do many incalls, because for the most part I see only one client a day. For longer sessions, which I prefer, it's great. I enjoy being able to bring more toys and set up the space beforehand for my guest. Since it is my 'home turf,"  I don't need to worry about time as much, or traveling back and forth.  And if I want to lounge naked in my kimono, I can do so.

The downside, is the investment of the hotel room cuts pretty deeply into a single appointment. For longer sessions, it's not much of a concern, but for a single hour appointment--like this week's-- it cuts pretty deep into my profits. Once in a great while (I think it's happened only twice now since I've started) I will get a second call while I'm at the incall and it gets me so excited!

I'm not much of a clock watcher--in fact, many of my clients watch the clock more than I do--but a long hour session does not tire me much. I get off on seeing the man lose himself in the moment, his face changing from a strained ecstasy to a relaxed state of bliss.  And it's a point of pride that my clients leave exhausted. But sending  you off with a big tired grin, only makes me juicy again.

There is much potential in the incall, but I need a different strategy to really find it.

I do love outcalls, though. They are each an adventure. I usually meet them in public first to have a conversation to screen them and break the ice. The settings are always different, as are the clients. I think being in new environments each time makes me observant and extra aware; my skin is alive with sense. Almost all of them say they will call again, but most never do. I used to be a little sad at it, but I realize it's pillow talk. For them, the variety is part of the adventure too, and I wouldn't want to deny you fellows that. I enjoy it very much myself.

Sacred Harlotry: A question of authority

sacred
sacred sex
sacred sex work
sacred sex worker

This has been a topic on my mind since before I ventured into "the biz." I continually come back to the ancient knowing that these women were not mere escorts, but priestesses of the Goddess. Men went to them for many reasons. Sex and sensuality were valued in this society, and even the king laid with the head priestess in annual ritual.

I long to take back this sacred heritage, but I am not sure where to start. There are questions I must be able to answer to myself (because others are bound to ask). I mentioned previously, the question of authority. There is also the question of mixing business with religion.

The question of authority is one I've dealt with for a long time. As a Witch, I do not belong to an organized religion (Okay, I'm technically ordained by the Universal Life Church, but that's a long story....) nor do I have an official body of works I could study to claim legitimacy. Believe me, if there were a sex temple where I could go and train in exchange for my service, I would be on my way right now. (Any suggestions?) A witch seeks only to claim personal spiritual authority, to know the land and nature around her. I do not seek good or ill, only balance, and to understand that balance. But the title priestess is something different. It implies study, perhaps a series of initiations, a degree of control.

After only four months of working, there's no question that I still have much to learn. I don't want to discount what knowledge I do have, however. I am more like an acolyte, or an initiate in training for a further degree. In my absolute favorite series, Kushiel's Legacy, they do a year of service before taking the title. Their "court of night-blooming flowers," are also trained in their sensual arts, and must give service to earn their marque- a tattoo that decorates the spine from nape to base. In any case, there is study and service to be done!

Now, as a witch and a harlot...there are still some mystical and sensual arts I can claim authority to. I read the stars and study the tarot and runes. I am starting to see the patterns and currents of the universe. One can't really predict the future, for even your knowledge of it can change it, and many other events can impact the future in ways we don't know. What astrology and tarot can do, however, is to gain an understanding of what is influencing us. In understanding ourselves, we can be more in control and less a product of our environments.

I can also turn you into a newt, but It will get better. ;)

April Showers

I do wish I had more positive things to write about, instead of complaining. Last week I learned a few important but expensive lessons. If it makes me more cautious in my screenings, so be it.

My mother is sick. I really debated writing about it at all. I don't need to fish for sympathy, nor divulge personal details. But I do welcome positive thoughts. Friday she has a pretty serious surgery and once that is successfully open, most of my worries will be dismissed. Most times, any kind of work is a welcomed distraction from the multiple stresses life brings, but I won't be committing to anything Friday until I hear that all is well.

It didn't really help that it's that especially emotional time of the month for me. Everything gets blown up a little more, and multiple stresses and worries just compound. It's actually quite tiring.

Do you know what else is tiring? Excuses. I've given myself plenty when it comes to delaying website and blog updates. Procrastination has always been a habit of mine, along with my various excuses for that. But I see how it could be taken as disinterest or doubt, and that's certainly not the image I want to project.

There has been a lot of questioning going on. I've been trying to pin down what it is most that my clients like, the most effective parts and phrases of my ad and site. A mental dissection. Also, what phrases or images should I invoke to attract the safe and respectful clients I wish to see, and not attract those who are only interested in doing harm?

Also, I have this sacred sex thing. The sacred harlot. This subject deserves its own post. I am mostly concerned with the subject of authority--on whose authority do I dare claim status as a priestess of harlots? Well, I need to save that discussion for another post.

How I Paid $80 to Watch South Park

In this biz, like any business, not every choice is a sure one.

My week started off well, with a sweet guy whose plane was late, but still made some time to see me. We didn't get the sushi like we had planned, but it was still a fun evening.  I had already headed downtown to hang out with some friends, but I was able to change my plans easily enough.  I do think earlier in this venture, I would have hesitated to rush out to meet someone. I prefer to plan ahead, but I felt in control and confident.

There was also the possibility of my first repeat client and that was exciting too. Enough men in my personal life & business have told me they want to see me again enough times that I tend to take it with a grain of salt.  I would certainly see any of my clients again and I've been curious to see who will be my first repeat. Business-wise, this is easier and safer, but truthfully part of what I like about this job is the meeting of new people, having new experiences.  And that's probably what many hobbyists like about it too: the variety. But now I'm off-topic.

Wednesday's original appointment fell through; he was stuck late at work.  Try as I might, I couldn't get anyone else to fill the space. Maybe everyone is busy doing their taxes last minute?  A little disappointed, a little frustrated at not working last night. But it wasn't a waste.

Russian Hill is a nice area, a few lingerie stores in the area.  I ended up getting a corset. Not too fancy, but I like how it hugs my frame and emphasizes my curves--and it has garter straps for stockings.

And of course, South Park's 200th episode.  Back at my apartment, we don't have cable so I miss my comedy central at times.  I really am a sucker for South Park! Hilarious and crude in their social commentary, and not afraid to poke fun at anything, including themselves.  So at least I got to watch that!

A Cooking Experiment

In a conversation with a client over drinks, we discussed our favorite cuisine.  Sushi is still currently my favorite here, but I also like Indian Food.  Not the best choice for a date unless you like spicy breath later, we decided. But it planted a seed, began as a craving and it slowly grew over a few days.  I decided not only was I going to have some Indian food, but I was going to make it myself.

I really love to cook, and it's even more fun trying new recipes. Until now, I had only attempted indian food through jars of sauce and pre-made food.  The complex mix of spices and flavors in their sauces seem to require a lot of cooking and simmering.

I decided on a mushroom curry.  I had found a recipe online that brought the steps down simply enough.  Cook the spice mixture in oil. Add onions, cook until golden brown. Add ginger and garlic paste and cook more.  Add tomatoes and cook until the oil separates from the rest. Add mushrooms and simmer until done.  Unfortunately, the recipe didn't get much more detailed than that. I truly had no idea how long this was gonna take, or just how long to take each step! I dive in head-first anyway.  After all, I had just bought these wonderful spices from a fragrant spice shop, had fresh ingredients. Surely, it would all just come together.

Powdered spice cooking in oil. A hard thing if you've never done it, and I never had.  I didn't want to burn the spices, just toast them. I wasn't sure just what it would smell like either, when toasted so I took my best guess.  The onions too, probably could have browned a little bit more. And in retrospect, the tomato probably needed more time to cook down into a sauce.  The result was edible, but the textures all off, the flavors not developed enough.

That's probably why they never do indian food on Iron Chef.

I see also, that I could benefit from a healthy dose of patience in my life.  I've been so concerned with immediacy and fast results that I pushed myself too fast.  This business too, is a little like a curry.  Now that I've got all the ingredients together and I'm comfortably put together, it's time to let it simmer and brew for a while. Adding a bit here and there to improve on the main ingredients requires careful tending, but mostly I need to let it brew.



I've been working on the pages for my provider section at the top, and you should expect to see some developments there soon. More details, refreshed information and hopefully more attention-getting.

A Coming Out Story

As you might imagine, there's not very many people I tell about my work. People who knew me before, my family, casual people I meet....I am not always sure how to breach the subject, so it's easier not to mention it. There are many reasons, but the one in the forefront in my mind is that I don't want them to feel sorry for me. It's fine if they are concerned for me, they care about me, but I don't want to be seen as someone to pity. Lucky for me, this doesn't have to be the case.

My old college roommate and I had some great times in our day. He balanced out our apartment of three girls and neither one of us minding hearing the other's sex against our shared wall. It made going to college in midwest totally worth it (okay, it really wasn't that bad....) Previously in conversation, we joked about becoming a world-traveling call boy/girl team (we like to dream big) and more recently, talk of recession and second jobs brought us to the subject again.

I wouldn't have said anything if I hadn't already been fairly sure of his reaction. But still, after telling him I wondered how it would change our relationship. I really couldn't have asked for a better friend, not only did he take it well, I believe his words were, "I'm so proud of you!"

What a breath of fresh air, to realize my old friend still gets me after all this time, after all the changes California had had on me. And it's great to know age and the midwest hasn't worn down his liberal views (Which seems to be the case for many of my high school friends.)

It's so much easier to stand with your head tall when you aren't trying to hide in the shadows.

Are "Personas" Masks?

I did my research before starting this venture, and read a lot about creating personas, reminded me of theater or roleplaying. I enjoy my share of roleplay (Professor/student is my favorite!) but when it has come to creating a "provider persona," I hesitate because I don't to sound hollow or fake. And when it comes to this blog, I think this has prevented me from writing as much as I set out to.

Much of this is the struggle to be genuine, but not reveal too much. I want to be real, but not go into nitty-gritty details that would shatter the fantasy--and I want to acknowledge the role fantasy plays in this job, without becoming fake. The trick is to find that balance, to pull fantasy into reality, blur the lines in a pleasing way.

Of course, many parts of my life are simply off-topic to this blog (like my love of cooking!) and would just clutter up the site. I go off tangent enough and I want to stick to the juicy stuff. I acknowledge that this is a character-changing journey I am on, and an opportunity to catalyze change into a person of my own chosing rather than the circumstances around me.

But back to personas....

In many ways, the word "persona" reads "mask," something about the word says false, or at least, glossed-over. But a person may wear many masks--we have our public face, our private self, and every role we play, every label we take on. And we are all of them combined. We our actions and emotions, our bodies and minds and the words we speak. Now, I may be getting too philosophical for this blog... but what can I do?

I suppose I shouldn't worry too much about being fake--I am an excellent storyteller, but I can't live a lie.