April Showers

What's that saying about April? April showers bring May flowers?


There is a slowness in this time just before taxes, and as such, my mind turned away from this in search of something to occupy it, to keep from worrying how long it would last...I'd prefer to write about happy, positive things.

I read a lot of Crowley and sex magic and I feel that it misses some element that I desire. It feels written by men, for men and though he praises Babalon, I can't help but think he wouldn't know the Goddess if she pinned him down and had her way with him!

I read about sacred intimacy and tantra and sex therapy and feel something missing too. I love the feminine, receptive quality and emphasis on the healing that can take place. They acknowledge that a genuine connection between two people is healing in itself.  There is also a serious sense to all this, and I miss a sense of playfulness and the power of taboo.

But truly, in my best sessions, these elements are barely in the background, if present at all. There is respect, a mutual trust, connection, playfulness, and the edge of doing potentially naughty things. It is doing one's will. And somehow, these delightful, tingling, naughty play times are healing--to myself and I hope also to those who see me. It's my desire to create an experience that is whatever they are seeking. It can be healing, wholesome, naughty, indulgent or something in between.

finding balance

I'm glad things have picked up towards the end of the month. When things are so slow at the start of the month, a slow sort of panic creeps into me that the calls won't come in time.  I enjoy being a low volume, extended session kind of girl, but I want to attract more business turning the first half of the month too.

It seems like some guys might hold out until the end of the month either for budget reasons, or to see if we will lower our prices in the last minute attempt to pull in what's needed. That just seems like a shame, because I'm sure the extra stress makes session less enjoyable for her too.

I have a few ideas to regain balance, to manifest in June.  An old friend is coming to visit me from NYC, haven't seen her in quite a while. She doesn't know what I do, but it will probably come up in conversation.  I consider cover stories--I know I won't be able to tell everyone what I do--but for friends and lovers I prefer full honesty. How else can you really be friends, if they don't know the real you?

Again, it becomes a question of balance, showing enough, but not too much. Showing too much, or being revealed to the wrong people would be a threat to me. Oddly, this seems to be because society is threatened by me, by sex work in general. And I thought it was just because I'm liberal! A lot of things have been called a threat to society: women voting, homosexuality, Socrates, drugs, divorce...and yet here we are. And sex work goes back further than any of those. Sorry Socrates.

Maybe someday we will learn to stop struggling against our natures, and instead find balance within, to create balance without.

Sacred Harlotry: the personal

The King is a friend of mine, one of my first in SF that's still around. When I came out to him, the conversation went something like this:

"I'm a whore, you know."
"No, you aren't a whore. You're just a good girl having a fun time."
"Yeah, and I get paid for it."

He's still in a bit of denial. It's kind of sweet, but a little condescending. I can't say I blame him. I've played the good girl way too long all my life, and I play it very well. Partly because what I do, even when I'm being "naughty" or "dirty", feels good and right. I love my whoring (would like to do some more of it, gentlemen!) but I do feel a twinge of guilt that I don't feel bad, and society wants me to. I'm learning to embrace this inner naughty girl, and enjoying all my explorations!

I'm beginning to understand the whoring part. I want to learn more about the sacred part of it.
And just what is sacred whoring, Electra? I have only an inkling of what is was in the past, but more important-what is it now and what will it be for me?

You know, when I think about it, part of it is passing on the feeling of love to anyone who feels in need of it. When I was younger I was fat, ignored and felt unloved. In a way my service is in gratitude for whatever forces made it possible for it to change, and acknowledging that everyone needs love sometimes.

I also remember, not so long ago, asking Her to change, for the power to make those changes possible. I promised her anything that was possible of me, that I would serve as her Priestess and Warrior. In that way, no matter how profane the activities, it is still sacred.

But right now, I really am learning and still an acolyte learning the path. What I need is study and more fucking.

Sex and Embodiment

I learned to love my body through sex. Learned to love myself through sex.

If you knew me growing up, I'd have been the last one you would suspect would go into sex work. In school, I was very much the loner; a few close friends but I held them at distance. I didn't entertain romantic relationships because I felt so burdened and unattractive due to my weight. Consequently, I lived mostly in my head, disconnected from the chunky shell of inhabitance.

Sex pulled me out of my head and into my whole body. Thoughts and words dissolved into feelings and senses. I felt and reacted instinctively,unlocking a wisdom locked in my limbs, my skin. And in laying there after, his body next to mine, I was able to see and feel myself in a fully embodied way. I was not just a mental self locked in a material shell. That shell of a body was as much a part of me as my thoughts, just as important and worthy as any other part of me.

This new sense of embodiment was a super power that allowed me to gain a better grasp on the world, not to mention my own body. And the more I used this power, the stronger it and my body became. I had always known I was worthy of love--that was not the problem--but finally, I began to love my body. I loved it for it's capabilities, to move, to interact, to learn, to grasp, to sense.....all these, in a way my brain can only intellectualize and attempt to write about.

In taking full control of my whole self, I've become thinner, healthier, more confident in myself and my ability to move through the world. And knowing that I am my own business has reinforced this. I am not just a series of repeated tasks, hour after hour like a mindless machine working for a faceless company's profit. I am totally in control of my life and destiny and I have every tool needed to succeed within me.

Are "Personas" Masks?

I did my research before starting this venture, and read a lot about creating personas, reminded me of theater or roleplaying. I enjoy my share of roleplay (Professor/student is my favorite!) but when it has come to creating a "provider persona," I hesitate because I don't to sound hollow or fake. And when it comes to this blog, I think this has prevented me from writing as much as I set out to.

Much of this is the struggle to be genuine, but not reveal too much. I want to be real, but not go into nitty-gritty details that would shatter the fantasy--and I want to acknowledge the role fantasy plays in this job, without becoming fake. The trick is to find that balance, to pull fantasy into reality, blur the lines in a pleasing way.

Of course, many parts of my life are simply off-topic to this blog (like my love of cooking!) and would just clutter up the site. I go off tangent enough and I want to stick to the juicy stuff. I acknowledge that this is a character-changing journey I am on, and an opportunity to catalyze change into a person of my own chosing rather than the circumstances around me.

But back to personas....

In many ways, the word "persona" reads "mask," something about the word says false, or at least, glossed-over. But a person may wear many masks--we have our public face, our private self, and every role we play, every label we take on. And we are all of them combined. We our actions and emotions, our bodies and minds and the words we speak. Now, I may be getting too philosophical for this blog... but what can I do?

I suppose I shouldn't worry too much about being fake--I am an excellent storyteller, but I can't live a lie.