What's that saying about April? April showers bring May flowers?
There is a slowness in this time just before taxes, and as such, my mind turned away from this in search of something to occupy it, to keep from worrying how long it would last...I'd prefer to write about happy, positive things.
I read a lot of Crowley and sex magic and I feel that it misses some element that I desire. It feels written by men, for men and though he praises Babalon, I can't help but think he wouldn't know the Goddess if she pinned him down and had her way with him!
I read about sacred intimacy and tantra and sex therapy and feel something missing too. I love the feminine, receptive quality and emphasis on the healing that can take place. They acknowledge that a genuine connection between two people is healing in itself. There is also a serious sense to all this, and I miss a sense of playfulness and the power of taboo.
But truly, in my best sessions, these elements are barely in the background, if present at all. There is respect, a mutual trust, connection, playfulness, and the edge of doing potentially naughty things. It is doing one's will. And somehow, these delightful, tingling, naughty play times are healing--to myself and I hope also to those who see me. It's my desire to create an experience that is whatever they are seeking. It can be healing, wholesome, naughty, indulgent or something in between.
Showing posts with label embodiment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label embodiment. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Monday, March 1, 2010
Sex and Embodiment
I learned to love my body through sex. Learned to love myself through sex.
If you knew me growing up, I'd have been the last one you would suspect would go into sex work. In school, I was very much the loner; a few close friends but I held them at distance. I didn't entertain romantic relationships because I felt so burdened and unattractive due to my weight. Consequently, I lived mostly in my head, disconnected from the chunky shell of inhabitance.
Sex pulled me out of my head and into my whole body. Thoughts and words dissolved into feelings and senses. I felt and reacted instinctively,unlocking a wisdom locked in my limbs, my skin. And in laying there after, his body next to mine, I was able to see and feel myself in a fully embodied way. I was not just a mental self locked in a material shell. That shell of a body was as much a part of me as my thoughts, just as important and worthy as any other part of me.
This new sense of embodiment was a super power that allowed me to gain a better grasp on the world, not to mention my own body. And the more I used this power, the stronger it and my body became. I had always known I was worthy of love--that was not the problem--but finally, I began to love my body. I loved it for it's capabilities, to move, to interact, to learn, to grasp, to sense.....all these, in a way my brain can only intellectualize and attempt to write about.
In taking full control of my whole self, I've become thinner, healthier, more confident in myself and my ability to move through the world. And knowing that I am my own business has reinforced this. I am not just a series of repeated tasks, hour after hour like a mindless machine working for a faceless company's profit. I am totally in control of my life and destiny and I have every tool needed to succeed within me.
If you knew me growing up, I'd have been the last one you would suspect would go into sex work. In school, I was very much the loner; a few close friends but I held them at distance. I didn't entertain romantic relationships because I felt so burdened and unattractive due to my weight. Consequently, I lived mostly in my head, disconnected from the chunky shell of inhabitance.
Sex pulled me out of my head and into my whole body. Thoughts and words dissolved into feelings and senses. I felt and reacted instinctively,unlocking a wisdom locked in my limbs, my skin. And in laying there after, his body next to mine, I was able to see and feel myself in a fully embodied way. I was not just a mental self locked in a material shell. That shell of a body was as much a part of me as my thoughts, just as important and worthy as any other part of me.
This new sense of embodiment was a super power that allowed me to gain a better grasp on the world, not to mention my own body. And the more I used this power, the stronger it and my body became. I had always known I was worthy of love--that was not the problem--but finally, I began to love my body. I loved it for it's capabilities, to move, to interact, to learn, to grasp, to sense.....all these, in a way my brain can only intellectualize and attempt to write about.
In taking full control of my whole self, I've become thinner, healthier, more confident in myself and my ability to move through the world. And knowing that I am my own business has reinforced this. I am not just a series of repeated tasks, hour after hour like a mindless machine working for a faceless company's profit. I am totally in control of my life and destiny and I have every tool needed to succeed within me.
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