A not-so-secret love

There are days I am afraid to proclaim it, but not today.

It's not a fear of doing what I do, but the fear of being damned by society for enjoying it.  A fear of being thrust into a victim's role--because "it's not her fault, she must have been hurt by someone long ago to drive her to this."

I'm not damaged anymore than anyone else. I'm not desperate. I am just different and I love that.

And yes, I love whoring around.

I love dressing up and having an excuse to buy make-up I only wear three times a week. I love taking the extra step to look feminine. It is not so much a costume as a prism, displaying beautiful colors found within ordinary light. 

I love reading introductions people write, the coming to know a stranger. I have met people whose names fill in on a google search, and others whom I know nothing about except their most intimate turn-ons and fantasies.

I love being someone's indulgence, someone's small luxury. There are so many reasons why someone comes to see me, and I love finding that out.  I love the sated look on a person's face knowing *I* put it there.

I have found there is healing in sex, even the most animal, dirty, kinky or the unceremonial rushed coupling. I have ever been drawn to the sacred roots of this oldest profession, and I love the challenge of bringing back that sacred nature. To dare others to view it differently. I love uncovering that healing in the taboo.

I love when I can tell I am truly appreciated in my role. When any initial fear, doubt or even guilt is allowed to melt away. When pleasure is given, taken, exchanged and then allowed to rest. I love when men do not pity me, when they recognize my enjoyment. I love when there is no attempt to haggle the donation because they understand the value of the service offered.

I love discovering how someone touches, kisses, fucks. I love the newness of each first time, the rediscovery of the second time. I love creating new ideas and games to make each visit different and unique. I truly love trying new things, and trying new people.

And despite the fear I sometimes have, I love that I enjoy it all so much. I love loving it.

Essential Traveling Items

I pack a fresh bag each time I'm going to an incall, and try to show off my favorite new outfit or lipstick shade. The styles and colors may change with the season. There is the standard toothbrush and toiletries, these are not unique to any bag, but there are a few items that I consider essential to ply my trade and feel at my sexiest.

-Kimono. Terry cloth robes are warm, but they are too bulky for me.  I enjoy the wide sleeves and breeziness of the fabric. If I was limited to a single piece of clothing, this would be it.

-Condoms & Lube. This probably goes without saying, I couldn't do very much without them. I like to bring a variety of sizes, flavored & unflavored. Liquid Silk is my favorite brand of lube--everything is more fun with lube! What's great about this one too, is it's very neutral in flavor and doesn't get tacky.

-Toys. I have a slowly growing collection of toys, for a variety of play. These are usually brought out only in longer sessions or for doubles. However, I always have them in case of a special request!

-Stockings. I dress pretty casual out in public, so dressing up for a private date is a special thing for me. As I've said before, stockings just feel sexy.

-Fresh fruit & healthy snacks. I love most fruit and vegetables, as long as they are fresh. And it so much better than eating take out or pizza while I am kitchen-less. I'm on the look out for  honey crisp apples this season, and filling up on plums, peaches and blueberries in the meantime.

Fishers of Men

Caution: Devout Christians may be offended. Read at your own risk.
(Then again, if you aren't offended already....)

Matthew 4:19

And he said to them, "Come after me and I will make you fishers of men."

Although my actual appointments are not at all like fishing, the time between them is a lot like fishing. First, I prepare the bait--my ad--then wait around for someone to bite. The battle to reel in the fish is the tedious dance of phone calls, screening, scheduling and booking,  each side pulling back and forth, each side willing the other towards them.

But I don't really want to compare my clients to fish caught and eaten. That seems a little too... predatory for me. It's more suitable to my nature to take the religious metaphor and really, am I not a fisher of men?

And I quite like the idea of providing religious experiences.

Summer Solstice

Oh what a solstice it's been!  Just last week I was busy with my special. I had been meaning to write about how well it went, and the solstice weekend but truth be told, I got distracted by a new book I bought this weekend.

Jaqueline Carey is my favorite author at the moment, and has been since I read her first book, Kushiel's Dart. In this new book, Naamah's Kiss, the main character is gifted by Naamah, the sacred harlot of Terre D'Ange's pantheon. I particularly like how she handles sexuality and sacredness in these fantasy novels. I like everything about her books, actually but I want to stay on topic! Yes, I think I like her writing enough that I would give her a free session. (A long shot, but a girl can dream, can't she?)

My 2 for 1 special went well, met a couple of nice gentlemen that made it really easy to enjoy myself. I did consider extending it through the weekend, but I had some other plans. It was great to honor the masculine in such a way! 

I don't think it's merely coincidence that Father's Day comes along near the time of the Summer Solstice. The sun has long been linked to the male archetype in the Western World. So the weekend, for me, involved exposing my milky skin to the sun and checking out the North Beach festival. (I may need a more powerful sunscreen if I'm to keep my moon-like glow!)

I have to say, I liked the North Beach fest better than Haight St's fair this year. The Haight St. fair was so crowded, but there was a strange edge to the crowd and it was a little overwhelming.  Plus North Beach had sidewalk artists, so there was just a little more space to breath.

The solstice was busy, bustling. A sowing and planting of seeds, and a celebration of the God who is Her divine lover. I'm looking forward to seeing what beginning of summer will bring me!

Double Trouble

In my first brainstorming session for a doubles ad, I came up with: double your pleasure, double your fun. But neither of us are the doublemint twins type!

I'm really glad to have found Virgina for doubles.  She's very relaxed, super cuddly and ready to entertain. We had a really great photoshoot--I'm working on the selection right now.

There will be an ad posting up this week for our doubles sessions, with all the details and photos.  Here's a small taste:

How I Paid $80 to Watch South Park

In this biz, like any business, not every choice is a sure one.

My week started off well, with a sweet guy whose plane was late, but still made some time to see me. We didn't get the sushi like we had planned, but it was still a fun evening.  I had already headed downtown to hang out with some friends, but I was able to change my plans easily enough.  I do think earlier in this venture, I would have hesitated to rush out to meet someone. I prefer to plan ahead, but I felt in control and confident.

There was also the possibility of my first repeat client and that was exciting too. Enough men in my personal life & business have told me they want to see me again enough times that I tend to take it with a grain of salt.  I would certainly see any of my clients again and I've been curious to see who will be my first repeat. Business-wise, this is easier and safer, but truthfully part of what I like about this job is the meeting of new people, having new experiences.  And that's probably what many hobbyists like about it too: the variety. But now I'm off-topic.

Wednesday's original appointment fell through; he was stuck late at work.  Try as I might, I couldn't get anyone else to fill the space. Maybe everyone is busy doing their taxes last minute?  A little disappointed, a little frustrated at not working last night. But it wasn't a waste.

Russian Hill is a nice area, a few lingerie stores in the area.  I ended up getting a corset. Not too fancy, but I like how it hugs my frame and emphasizes my curves--and it has garter straps for stockings.

And of course, South Park's 200th episode.  Back at my apartment, we don't have cable so I miss my comedy central at times.  I really am a sucker for South Park! Hilarious and crude in their social commentary, and not afraid to poke fun at anything, including themselves.  So at least I got to watch that!

Blogger's New Template Design & Diva Story

Blogger has finally created a better template designer!  The announcement was in my inbox today and I've only checked it out a little bit, but I'm very excited: I love playing around with design and layouts and was starting to get frustrated with Blogger's limited templates.  I was even considering a move to WordPress for better templates.  Expect a newly designed blog sometime around April!

I've been mulling over some thoughts, trying to figure how best to write about my experience.  I've got to say, I'm really enjoying my new job and I had good luck since that first disrespectful client--perhaps the power of the pen scares them into steering clear of me, to mess with someone else who won't immortalize their asshat behavior? Actually, now that I think of it, there is one fellow that deserves mention.....

This fellow is a bit of a diva.  He had called me once before, wanting to meet for drinks before deciding if he wanted to see more of me.  That's fine, and I didn't hold it against him when he didn't call for some time.  Then, out of the blue, there is a call; he wants me to rush over, drop my plans to come see him again. No commitment to a session, just more drinks. (And really, I've been wanting to curb my drinking.) I offered to see him a little later, after running my errands for the day but he called back to tell me if I didn't hurry, it would be too late, he's gonna pop, maybe call someone else.  Okay fine, if it's that bad, better get someone to take care of it.  Did I mention diva?  But here's the punchline: he calls back a third time to try and get me over there. Do you want to schedule a session with me or not?  Do I offer half-hours? No, I don't. Never have and I never will--a half hour is simply not enough time to more than a quick fuck and that's not what I'm about.

Please. I do love meeting new folks, and I work to make our meeting both affordable and a truly intimate experience. But if you can't afford an hour, don't ask for a half hour: see someone else.  If you just *have* to cum *now* and don't have a relaxed hour to spare: see someone else. I promise not to be offended.

Oh, and don't be a diva unless you wear a wig and work in the Castro!

Spring in Her Step

Spring is finally here! The weather has warmed, blossoms are out, and many of us have had our first bbq of the year, all of the signs are present. The winters in San Francisco are much milder than I'm accustomed to, but I still notice the change and try to mark the occasion properly.

I've had some wonderful times, but I'm not sure just how to go about writing them. A little distance can help to write about something, help the metaphors come together. Perhaps our memories break down into stories over time naturally. I keep important details to myself and hold them sacred--these are held in trust and were never meant to be shared. Names, personal details, identifying information. But my own experience and what lessons I gleam from the experience is something I'd like to write about to help solidify them in my mind.

Right now, I'm mostly just thankful for the warm spring, the stirring life, and always, I'm thankful for such sweet guys whom help me out and make this job enjoyable. I did wonder, before I started, if things would be cold and mechanical if it became a business transaction. Thank goodness, that's not been the case at all. In fact, most of it seems to be much more honest than how other business is done.

I do believe I shall find a lot of preconceptions shall be false. My research continues.....

hobbyists, wanna try escorting?

Maybe the recession's got you, and the idea pops into your head: you could turn the tables, start getting paid instead of paying. I don't know the slightest what the M4W market is, but this article gives a fun glimpse into the life of a middle-aged male escort.

Excerpt:

The doors open and three women step on: a blonde, a brunette and one whose hair has been bleached and blown dry so many times it's not a discernible color. All of the women could stand to have a good 3 inches cut off their hair. They wear slight variations on the Little Black Slut Dress. They wear too much makeup, a pair of shoes that doesn't quite match the dress, towering heels.

The man in the corner rolls his eyes and thinks to himself, "And I'm the hooker."

The full article found here: http://www.salon.com/life/feature/2010/03/11/confessions_of_call_bear/index.html

What I liked best about the article was that it highlighted the fact that there is truly a market for everyone. I am not model-perfect. I fall somewhere between "curvy" and the small end of "bbw," and I look sweet, innocent and not at all the hooker-type. In fact, if I had to bleach my hair, buy contacts and stop wearing jeans, there's no way I could do this job! Thank goodness for diversity!

Why Men Use Prostitutes

This article is about a BBC study done, interviewing 12 men about their habits and feelings behind the hobby. I found it an interesting but narrow article, as there aren't enough men interviewed for a true average sampling. What I didn't like was the highly misogynist tone taken, with one passage that stood out to me in particular.

From the article:

Others were clear that they paid for sex in order to be able to totally control the encounter, including Bob, who said, "Look, men pay for women because he can have whatever and whoever he wants. Lots of men go to prostitutes so they can do things to them that real women would not put up with."

Link to full article: http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2010/jan/15/why-men-use-prostitutes

So, according to Bob, escorts are not real women? Just what makes a woman "real" then? It sounds like only women who are restrictive and not sexually curious qualify. Perhaps it's different in the UK, but we all have our restrictions.

I, for one, have felt my femininity celebrated since starting down this path, and I hope I'm not the only one. I wouldn't do anything that I felt was truly degrading or dehumanizing--but this has more to do with the manner than the action. I have been flogged, tormented, and felt honored to give my submission. When eyes gaze and hands begin to roam, I am honored in my womanhood.

Yes, there have been instances when I felt reduced and degraded, and these men did not get past a phone call. I've got nothing against good kinky fun, and even a little objectification is okay when the sex object is appreciated for what it gives, but those who can't respect their fellow humans and see them as "less" in some way....I just can't get down with that.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

I haven't written in a while, and it has been quite the week (and not yet over!) After having so many incall requests, I finally decided to get myself one. After these experiences the past few days, I greatly prefer outcalls. And I'm really sorry to say, after all those requests, no one has given me any reason to continue doing outcalls. Of course, every cloud has a silver lining and all that jazz...

The Good

If I'm going to say it, I'll say it proudly: I enjoy having sex with strangers. One of my favorite thing about this is meeting new people and fucking them. In sex, we become vulnerable to each other, our masks fall away and we come undone. If each allows for it to happen, the ego drifts away and the present moment expands until the whole universe is felt in their joining. In those moments, you can truly know a person. I think the secret is that both (or all, if you are into groups) parties need to be present, need to open themselves for the most impact. If one person holds back, clings to the mask in an effort to shield themselves, they cannot be open to the healing human touch being offered.

The Bad

I've had two incall days, and nothing but calls for future dates. Why must you tease so? Before I offered incall, a good chunk of my calls were asking for incalls. I know the pictures must be distracting, but the ad does have a lot of important information, gentlemen.... So, when I got a bit of money, I decided to give the incall a try. Maybe it's Murphy's Law, but the second I advertised it, I stopped getting calls for it!

Perhaps it is that these callers are simply not serious. They like to play at the fantasy, but whatever their reasons, they don't intend to follow through. I don't judge them, so long as they have some respect for me and my time. When they do waste my time and my money, they stop being just bad...

The Ugly

I have had some time to chill out since then, so I will try to retain a polite tone. A guy called (I certainly can't call him gentleman) asking for a short date, seemed nice enough. When one reference didn't answer right away, he gave me another which came back okay. When he gets here, he pulls the apologetic, check-hasn't-gone-through-yet BS and asks to come back later. Sure, if it goes through at midnight, why not? I need the money. I didn't expect him to come back, but I offered. He calls back 40 minutes later, after he gets home to ask about half hour rates and yell at me when I won't haggle.

Oh, no. You do not just waste my time and my money, treat me like garbage. First of all, you called me back to yell at me--so don't tell me to leave you alone. Because I surely will and if I had my say, every girl in the bay area would too!

I think it's incredibly disrespectful to ask for half hour appointments when my ad does not offer them. I even say in my ad: I am built for endurance, not speed. I wasn't lying, or trying to be clever. It takes time to know each other for the first time. A half hour means you only interested in getting your rocks off. And to try and lowball me? No, dear. I'm not your cheap floozy. Karma comes around, and I'll leave it to the Goddess to sort this one out.

Thank you. This concludes our rant for this evening. Tune in next time for more cheerful news.

Opening for Business

I am so glad that 2009 is over and done with. It has been nearly a year since I was let go at the bindery. My boss had always been a curmudgeon, but after a couple of months of walking on eggshells, trying to do my job as quickly, quietly, and invisibly as possible, I was almost relieved when it happened. I say almost, because my main feelings were worry (how do I find another job in a recession?) and misplaced guilt (What could I have done better?). For many months, I wouldn’t even look for jobs in my trade, so uncertain I was in my abilities.

Things have gotten better. I met someone who renewed my confidence, put the magic back in my life (literally, but that’s another post!) and I am more determined than ever to make 2010 the best ever. With this year, I am trying something different. I love working with my hands, but art-related jobs (non-digital art, at least) are hard to come by, especially in this economy. In previous months, I have applied to retail, office/admin, clerical, cleaning jobs…but guess what? They all want previous experience! Trying to sell my skills, to convince these people that as an artist and bookbinder I had experienced many work situations and was capable of taking on the job…well, it felt a lot like prostitution.

Which made me think…why the fuck should I sell myself for under $15/hr—and be happy about it?

I’ve been interested in sex work for a long time, even made a trade a time or two, although it didn’t really feel like I was whoring myself out. But for months, I’ve thought, why not? I have no moral or ethical qualm about it. I like sex, enjoy getting to know people, and I even happen to prefer older gentlemen.

I remember going on an interview that went too well, and after researching the company a little, find that it’s a door-to-door sales position. I remember a moment of honest consideration in taking that job and how worthless it made me feel to think that this was what my college degree amounted to.

So I paint a mental picture for myself. How would it feel to run hands down a naked form, grasp his cock and work that lasting sigh of release from him? To have him touch, grope and know my body like a lover? And it does not feel low to me, at all. To leave him with a smile and relaxation, and paid well for my efforts….would feel infinitely better than peddling office supplies door to door.

So the decision was made, and here I am!