Sex and Embodiment

I learned to love my body through sex. Learned to love myself through sex.

If you knew me growing up, I'd have been the last one you would suspect would go into sex work. In school, I was very much the loner; a few close friends but I held them at distance. I didn't entertain romantic relationships because I felt so burdened and unattractive due to my weight. Consequently, I lived mostly in my head, disconnected from the chunky shell of inhabitance.

Sex pulled me out of my head and into my whole body. Thoughts and words dissolved into feelings and senses. I felt and reacted instinctively,unlocking a wisdom locked in my limbs, my skin. And in laying there after, his body next to mine, I was able to see and feel myself in a fully embodied way. I was not just a mental self locked in a material shell. That shell of a body was as much a part of me as my thoughts, just as important and worthy as any other part of me.

This new sense of embodiment was a super power that allowed me to gain a better grasp on the world, not to mention my own body. And the more I used this power, the stronger it and my body became. I had always known I was worthy of love--that was not the problem--but finally, I began to love my body. I loved it for it's capabilities, to move, to interact, to learn, to grasp, to sense.....all these, in a way my brain can only intellectualize and attempt to write about.

In taking full control of my whole self, I've become thinner, healthier, more confident in myself and my ability to move through the world. And knowing that I am my own business has reinforced this. I am not just a series of repeated tasks, hour after hour like a mindless machine working for a faceless company's profit. I am totally in control of my life and destiny and I have every tool needed to succeed within me.