A Coming Out Story

As you might imagine, there's not very many people I tell about my work. People who knew me before, my family, casual people I meet....I am not always sure how to breach the subject, so it's easier not to mention it. There are many reasons, but the one in the forefront in my mind is that I don't want them to feel sorry for me. It's fine if they are concerned for me, they care about me, but I don't want to be seen as someone to pity. Lucky for me, this doesn't have to be the case.

My old college roommate and I had some great times in our day. He balanced out our apartment of three girls and neither one of us minding hearing the other's sex against our shared wall. It made going to college in midwest totally worth it (okay, it really wasn't that bad....) Previously in conversation, we joked about becoming a world-traveling call boy/girl team (we like to dream big) and more recently, talk of recession and second jobs brought us to the subject again.

I wouldn't have said anything if I hadn't already been fairly sure of his reaction. But still, after telling him I wondered how it would change our relationship. I really couldn't have asked for a better friend, not only did he take it well, I believe his words were, "I'm so proud of you!"

What a breath of fresh air, to realize my old friend still gets me after all this time, after all the changes California had had on me. And it's great to know age and the midwest hasn't worn down his liberal views (Which seems to be the case for many of my high school friends.)

It's so much easier to stand with your head tall when you aren't trying to hide in the shadows.

Blogger's New Template Design & Diva Story

Blogger has finally created a better template designer!  The announcement was in my inbox today and I've only checked it out a little bit, but I'm very excited: I love playing around with design and layouts and was starting to get frustrated with Blogger's limited templates.  I was even considering a move to WordPress for better templates.  Expect a newly designed blog sometime around April!

I've been mulling over some thoughts, trying to figure how best to write about my experience.  I've got to say, I'm really enjoying my new job and I had good luck since that first disrespectful client--perhaps the power of the pen scares them into steering clear of me, to mess with someone else who won't immortalize their asshat behavior? Actually, now that I think of it, there is one fellow that deserves mention.....

This fellow is a bit of a diva.  He had called me once before, wanting to meet for drinks before deciding if he wanted to see more of me.  That's fine, and I didn't hold it against him when he didn't call for some time.  Then, out of the blue, there is a call; he wants me to rush over, drop my plans to come see him again. No commitment to a session, just more drinks. (And really, I've been wanting to curb my drinking.) I offered to see him a little later, after running my errands for the day but he called back to tell me if I didn't hurry, it would be too late, he's gonna pop, maybe call someone else.  Okay fine, if it's that bad, better get someone to take care of it.  Did I mention diva?  But here's the punchline: he calls back a third time to try and get me over there. Do you want to schedule a session with me or not?  Do I offer half-hours? No, I don't. Never have and I never will--a half hour is simply not enough time to more than a quick fuck and that's not what I'm about.

Please. I do love meeting new folks, and I work to make our meeting both affordable and a truly intimate experience. But if you can't afford an hour, don't ask for a half hour: see someone else.  If you just *have* to cum *now* and don't have a relaxed hour to spare: see someone else. I promise not to be offended.

Oh, and don't be a diva unless you wear a wig and work in the Castro!

Spring in Her Step

Spring is finally here! The weather has warmed, blossoms are out, and many of us have had our first bbq of the year, all of the signs are present. The winters in San Francisco are much milder than I'm accustomed to, but I still notice the change and try to mark the occasion properly.

I've had some wonderful times, but I'm not sure just how to go about writing them. A little distance can help to write about something, help the metaphors come together. Perhaps our memories break down into stories over time naturally. I keep important details to myself and hold them sacred--these are held in trust and were never meant to be shared. Names, personal details, identifying information. But my own experience and what lessons I gleam from the experience is something I'd like to write about to help solidify them in my mind.

Right now, I'm mostly just thankful for the warm spring, the stirring life, and always, I'm thankful for such sweet guys whom help me out and make this job enjoyable. I did wonder, before I started, if things would be cold and mechanical if it became a business transaction. Thank goodness, that's not been the case at all. In fact, most of it seems to be much more honest than how other business is done.

I do believe I shall find a lot of preconceptions shall be false. My research continues.....

hobbyists, wanna try escorting?

Maybe the recession's got you, and the idea pops into your head: you could turn the tables, start getting paid instead of paying. I don't know the slightest what the M4W market is, but this article gives a fun glimpse into the life of a middle-aged male escort.

Excerpt:

The doors open and three women step on: a blonde, a brunette and one whose hair has been bleached and blown dry so many times it's not a discernible color. All of the women could stand to have a good 3 inches cut off their hair. They wear slight variations on the Little Black Slut Dress. They wear too much makeup, a pair of shoes that doesn't quite match the dress, towering heels.

The man in the corner rolls his eyes and thinks to himself, "And I'm the hooker."

The full article found here: http://www.salon.com/life/feature/2010/03/11/confessions_of_call_bear/index.html

What I liked best about the article was that it highlighted the fact that there is truly a market for everyone. I am not model-perfect. I fall somewhere between "curvy" and the small end of "bbw," and I look sweet, innocent and not at all the hooker-type. In fact, if I had to bleach my hair, buy contacts and stop wearing jeans, there's no way I could do this job! Thank goodness for diversity!

Everything I needed to know about sex work, I learned from sci-fi

Okay...some of these are better than others. Some are more obscure than others, and some are a stretch. But feel free to add more in the comments! Bonus if you know where they come from.


1. Always know where your towel is.

2. Remember: Don't Panic.

3. Small furry creatures are always a bad idea.

4. Stay on target....

5. Size matters not.

6. Weakness can often be traced to a small exhaust port...

7. The term is companion.

8. A companion chooses her own clients. That's guild law. But physical appearance doesn't matter so terribly. You look for a compatibility of spirit... There's an energy about a person that's difficult to hide.

Atheist Hotel

I was visiting a couple friends the other day in their room, and somehow conversation turned on the Bible. I've studied it just a little bit (as a scholar and someone interested in spirituality) and so I turned to grab a copy that most hotels have in their bedside drawer.... but this hotel room had no Bible!

This is the first time I've seen this, perhaps I've spent too much time in the midwest?

Why Men Use Prostitutes

This article is about a BBC study done, interviewing 12 men about their habits and feelings behind the hobby. I found it an interesting but narrow article, as there aren't enough men interviewed for a true average sampling. What I didn't like was the highly misogynist tone taken, with one passage that stood out to me in particular.

From the article:

Others were clear that they paid for sex in order to be able to totally control the encounter, including Bob, who said, "Look, men pay for women because he can have whatever and whoever he wants. Lots of men go to prostitutes so they can do things to them that real women would not put up with."

Link to full article: http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2010/jan/15/why-men-use-prostitutes

So, according to Bob, escorts are not real women? Just what makes a woman "real" then? It sounds like only women who are restrictive and not sexually curious qualify. Perhaps it's different in the UK, but we all have our restrictions.

I, for one, have felt my femininity celebrated since starting down this path, and I hope I'm not the only one. I wouldn't do anything that I felt was truly degrading or dehumanizing--but this has more to do with the manner than the action. I have been flogged, tormented, and felt honored to give my submission. When eyes gaze and hands begin to roam, I am honored in my womanhood.

Yes, there have been instances when I felt reduced and degraded, and these men did not get past a phone call. I've got nothing against good kinky fun, and even a little objectification is okay when the sex object is appreciated for what it gives, but those who can't respect their fellow humans and see them as "less" in some way....I just can't get down with that.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

I haven't written in a while, and it has been quite the week (and not yet over!) After having so many incall requests, I finally decided to get myself one. After these experiences the past few days, I greatly prefer outcalls. And I'm really sorry to say, after all those requests, no one has given me any reason to continue doing outcalls. Of course, every cloud has a silver lining and all that jazz...

The Good

If I'm going to say it, I'll say it proudly: I enjoy having sex with strangers. One of my favorite thing about this is meeting new people and fucking them. In sex, we become vulnerable to each other, our masks fall away and we come undone. If each allows for it to happen, the ego drifts away and the present moment expands until the whole universe is felt in their joining. In those moments, you can truly know a person. I think the secret is that both (or all, if you are into groups) parties need to be present, need to open themselves for the most impact. If one person holds back, clings to the mask in an effort to shield themselves, they cannot be open to the healing human touch being offered.

The Bad

I've had two incall days, and nothing but calls for future dates. Why must you tease so? Before I offered incall, a good chunk of my calls were asking for incalls. I know the pictures must be distracting, but the ad does have a lot of important information, gentlemen.... So, when I got a bit of money, I decided to give the incall a try. Maybe it's Murphy's Law, but the second I advertised it, I stopped getting calls for it!

Perhaps it is that these callers are simply not serious. They like to play at the fantasy, but whatever their reasons, they don't intend to follow through. I don't judge them, so long as they have some respect for me and my time. When they do waste my time and my money, they stop being just bad...

The Ugly

I have had some time to chill out since then, so I will try to retain a polite tone. A guy called (I certainly can't call him gentleman) asking for a short date, seemed nice enough. When one reference didn't answer right away, he gave me another which came back okay. When he gets here, he pulls the apologetic, check-hasn't-gone-through-yet BS and asks to come back later. Sure, if it goes through at midnight, why not? I need the money. I didn't expect him to come back, but I offered. He calls back 40 minutes later, after he gets home to ask about half hour rates and yell at me when I won't haggle.

Oh, no. You do not just waste my time and my money, treat me like garbage. First of all, you called me back to yell at me--so don't tell me to leave you alone. Because I surely will and if I had my say, every girl in the bay area would too!

I think it's incredibly disrespectful to ask for half hour appointments when my ad does not offer them. I even say in my ad: I am built for endurance, not speed. I wasn't lying, or trying to be clever. It takes time to know each other for the first time. A half hour means you only interested in getting your rocks off. And to try and lowball me? No, dear. I'm not your cheap floozy. Karma comes around, and I'll leave it to the Goddess to sort this one out.

Thank you. This concludes our rant for this evening. Tune in next time for more cheerful news.

Sex and Embodiment

I learned to love my body through sex. Learned to love myself through sex.

If you knew me growing up, I'd have been the last one you would suspect would go into sex work. In school, I was very much the loner; a few close friends but I held them at distance. I didn't entertain romantic relationships because I felt so burdened and unattractive due to my weight. Consequently, I lived mostly in my head, disconnected from the chunky shell of inhabitance.

Sex pulled me out of my head and into my whole body. Thoughts and words dissolved into feelings and senses. I felt and reacted instinctively,unlocking a wisdom locked in my limbs, my skin. And in laying there after, his body next to mine, I was able to see and feel myself in a fully embodied way. I was not just a mental self locked in a material shell. That shell of a body was as much a part of me as my thoughts, just as important and worthy as any other part of me.

This new sense of embodiment was a super power that allowed me to gain a better grasp on the world, not to mention my own body. And the more I used this power, the stronger it and my body became. I had always known I was worthy of love--that was not the problem--but finally, I began to love my body. I loved it for it's capabilities, to move, to interact, to learn, to grasp, to sense.....all these, in a way my brain can only intellectualize and attempt to write about.

In taking full control of my whole self, I've become thinner, healthier, more confident in myself and my ability to move through the world. And knowing that I am my own business has reinforced this. I am not just a series of repeated tasks, hour after hour like a mindless machine working for a faceless company's profit. I am totally in control of my life and destiny and I have every tool needed to succeed within me.