On Virginity

With the interest about my recent virgin experience, I wanted to write a little more about it. We treat male virgins so much differently than female virgins--for one group, it's a hurdle to jump over and for the other, this lack of experience is often treated as a gift.

Skeptically, I want to say guys like virgin or innocent girls because they have nothing to live up to. The women won't know what they are missing.  But I don't think sex is supposed to be about impressing anyone with dazzling tricks of pleasure (though that can be fun!) Sex is a primal paring of two people, and I think our bodies mostly go into auto pilot mode.

My friend referred me to this client, we'll call him C. He was my age, one of my younger clients. He's a guy that likes to know things, feels capable in an array of academic fields, but was lacking in experience with relationships and intimacy.  I didn't want to pry into all his reasons, preferring to accept things as they come and for what they are than all the motives behind it.  But I could pick up things.  I think mostly, he just felt it was time to give it a try, but didn't want to embarrass himself in front of a lady he'd been courting. He didn't want such a large unknown looping ahead. Also, the fear of being judged for his lack of skill or experience.

Spending extended time with him before and after our session helped put his mind at east, I feel.  It helped to build rapport and dispel his fears. I let him explore my body with innocent curiosity and eagerness--these two are the beginnings of skilled touches, and a natural gentleness came though. I think it was a gift for both of us--in that he was able to dispel his fears and gain confidence for future encounters, and I was able to gain a better sense of where I came from, and a joy in guiding innocence towards skill.

In and Out of the Whore Closet

It's been a really fabulous week overall, and I'm looking forward to this next one too.  It started with apple-picking in North Bay, picked up back in SF for a bit of work, and then it was back to my ocean-side home to play hostess to some friends.  My two visits were contrasted by work talk, for my cousin is fairly conservative (we once had a conversation about waiting until marriage to have sex--Opps!) and so I had to keep a tight cover on my new occupation.

The economy is just as bad up there, so much of the time was spend in discussion of looking for work, finding ways to cut back money. It made me realize that I've been doing okay for myself. Somehow, in our discussions of media-bias and pension reform (her current pet issue) I neglected to mention my devious own method of "trickle-down economies!"  It was a good weekend in the country that made me miss my foggy city.

With my own house guests, it was much different, for they knew what I did--more than that, they had brought me a client!  Now, that was a first for me. Even when spending extended time with a client, I am more aware of my image and mannerism. I focus on being a more polished version of my personality, and being a perfect hostess.

Let me tell you, it's hard to be polished when your guest roll into town super late  and you are setting beds up for them at 5 am in your PJs.

I think that for this client, a mutual acquaintance and virgin, it was good to spend the extra time as friends and with friends.  I really enjoyed taking charge and leading the way, enjoyed the innocent way he explored my body.  I hope that I was able to instill in him a greater sense of confidence and ability in our session. I wanted him to come away from it knowing he would and could meet other women with out his non-experience ever being an issue to fear.

But I will say I vastly prefer the experienced hand and charm of the older gentleman!

Finding Balance

After a period of wanting and waiting, I'm finally starting to find a good balance between work and my other interests. In doing so, work is much less "work-like." I'm enjoying myself so much more when I banish all worry from my space. Less questioning my own motives and goals behind it (I *do tend to over-analyze things) and more going with the flow.

I don't know if most providers are extroverts, that does seem to be the case, but I've always been an introvert.  However, one-on-one is where I start to blossom. I really enjoy focusing on another person and tending to their needs (part of that submissive behavior).

There was also blackberry picking, and the beginnings of a collage series.  Hiking through pockets of urban wilderness is one of the many reasons I love SF. So many blackberries grow all over lands end, berries in different stages of ripeness. I take only the ripest, purple-black berries that pull off so easily.  There are brambles too, but some masochistic tendency in me enjoys that too.  I like slipping in nimble fingers to pick those hidden in the underside of the bush, navigating the thorny stems.  Picking my fill is a bit of an endurance trial, but I gladly endure it. These hard-won berries make the best scones, the best pie.

I have been working on my art a bit more, collecting images, colors and textures for a series of collages about whoring and sacred whoring. I plan on posting some as I finish them.

But the bit of solitude gets me eager to go out once again. The ritual of putting on makeup and dressing up, making myself ready a client, it helps turn my mind into a different mode and builds my excitement for the main event.  In this mode, I'm better able to relax and help relax my client. In finding my center, I hope to be able to pass that on in my sessions too.

Ideas of Sacred Harlotry

"I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier."  -Rufus, from Dogma

In a previous post, "Secret Conversations", I got a comment that made me want to research more about this sacred harlotry I talk so much about.  It's this idea that I somehow aspire to, but what exactly is it?  I need to know about the history and present of this, idea. And I need to dive into the personal and figure out: in no uncertain terms, what do I aspire to be when I say I want to be a sacred whore.  (And does merely wanting to be one make me one?)

In my search, I found a page with an amazing conversation on the subject of sacred harlotry and just how much of our supposed evidence is really there, and on what basis can one look to history for a foundation. (do we *need* to basis modern harlotry on ancient so-called tradition? Can it be done?)  Not only does the exchange contain many insights, but a lot of links for me to continue my research.  The conversation can be found here, on the Barbelith Underground site.

 I enjoy the rich mythology of the ancient sacred harlot, but I'd be foolish to suggest we could piece together a complete set of guidelines based on ancient Mesopotamian and Greek writings. Nor do Eastern traditions suit me, for it feels too much like cultural appropriation. I'm more interesting in finding my own personal truths to form a modern tradition.

Can't wait to dive into more of these articles!